freedom

crap.

that's currently the thing i most feel like. don't ask me how or why. it just is.

freedom is meant to bring with it all sorts of joy, excitement, exhilaration...
it always has for me.. till now....

i'm depressing.. i know.. seem to have been quite alot recently... and not out of choice either... it's just.. i constantly have so much on my mind nowadays... and without meaning to too.....

it's no wonder there are people out there in the world who are driven to drugs and alcohol to numb the drumming, suicide to end it.... it's quite understandable...

NO. i'm not saying i'm thinking of it... i just know how it can be... so consuming... it can overwhelm you without you really knowing...

but i won't allow it to consume me. there are a million things in my life to be thankful and grateful for... and i AM thankful and grateful... i just need to keep reminding myself of that.. instead of dwell on all the possibilities........

i'm free..... you'll be soon... i just hope we have time to share this newfound freedom.....

the end

i sit here... typing at a quarter to 2... my last examination for this semester a mere 7hours away... and strangely enough, all i can think about is how to organise my time over the next few weeks.... how to go about spending time with the people i love.....

what do you do when you have a fear? a fear of something that might happen say..... within the year? something that is semi under your control and yet, knowing full well you don't want it to happen, you might just let it anyway.... even if it could be one of your greatest fears.... you might just let it anyway...... because it might be what's meant to be.... or.. in this case, what's NOT meant to be...

yeah.. the age-old cliche... the classic breakup line... the loser's line of resignation.... a friend's trying to be nice....

"it wasn't meant to be"

is it ever true? do we know for sure? will we ever?

and so i go about thinking... not something i can help frankly... and i try not to think about what lies ahead.... which is tough.. me being such a planner... i can't go a week without planning at least 4meets be they coffee sessions, mahjong, movie, dinner.... i've always kept myself busy... always... it's been that way for as long as i can remember... to stop myself thinking.... as i'm trying to do now....stop myself thinking about what might happen in a couple of months.... half a year... at the turn of the new year........

i TRY not to think about it.

that doesn't mean i succeed....

so my decision.. is to enjoy the next couple of months... make it worth the while.... worth our while.......
and i say....... the ending should be good.. if it ends......
.
.
.
.
.
i just hope it doesn't.

clingers

hypocrisy. double standards.

i realise i'm guilty of it...

there was a time (and maybe i STILL do...) when i looked upon certain people scornfully and with distaste... girls mainly... attached girls to be slightly more specific... CLINGY attached girls, to be exact.

the idea of being so clingy and dependent and whiney/whingey and spineless and of no self-opinion all at once. it disgusted me. still does.

so why have i turned out slightly like that then?

no way. definitely not the "...of no self-opinion" part... nor the spineless part.. and maybe not even the whiney/whingey part... or at least only occasionally.. deliberately.. to cause deliberate irritation... but the clinginess and dependence???

i write this in shame... for i can all but deny that i am a partner-dependent [you-dependent, to be precise] c-l-i-n-g-e-r*...

thus. i have resolved myself to changing that. i will make a conscious effort to not be too dependent, to not need to hear from people constantly, to not need to be with people constantly, to not... sigh..... to think i even used the word "need" as opposed to "want".... am i too far gone for the situation to be salvaged? :(

i will not be so needy anymore. i will not desire too much henceforth. it's not ever been like this.... so i guess it must count for something if it is now...?

i will master it.
the art of detachment.
however slight...


* think every letter, spat out with disgust, whispered in shame...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

been listening to this song quite a bit of late... quite apt... since i'd give almost anything to be near home right now...... *shrug* the evil that is Exams disallows it.... for all those away from home.....


Home by Michael Buble

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well, I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far
From where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
This was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day
Has come and gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Let me go home
Oh I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby I'm done
I gotta go home

Let me go home
It'll all be alright
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

bored/restless

just sitting here.. trying to study cos i need to... and cos i don't wanna let you down... but it ain't happening... not effectively anyhow.. managed to get proper lighting up.. and coils to chase the mozzies away.. and yet i'm so restless......

so here's lyrics.. to two lovely lovely songs... kinda relays the mood i'm in? can't wait for the 26th to come... just slightly over a week and i'm free..............

so here they are.. enjoy... :)

Witchcraft by Frank Sinatra

Those fingers in my hair
That sly come hither stare
That strips my conscience bare
It's witchcraft

And I've got no defense for it
The heat is too intense for it
What good would common sense for it do?

'Cause it's witchcraft
Wicked witchcraft
And although I know it's strictly taboo
When you arouse the need in me
My heart says yes indeed in me
Proceed with what you’re leading me to

It's such an ancient pitch
But one I wouldn't switch
'Cause there's no nicer witch than you

'Cause it's witchcraft
That crazy witchcraft
And although I know it's strictly taboo
When you arouse the need in me
My heart says yes indeed in me
Proceed with what you’re leading me to...

It's such an ancient pitch
But one that I would never switch
'Cause there's no nicer witch than you

Turn Me On by Norah Jones

Like a flower
Waiting to bloom
Like a lightbulb
In a dark room
I'm just sittin' here
Waiting for you
To come on home
And turn me on

Like the desert
Waiting for the rain
Like a school kid
Waiting for the spring
I'm just sittin' here
Waiting for you
To come on home
And turn me on

My poor heart
It's been so dark
Since you've been gone
After all you're the one who turns me off
But you're the only one who can turn me back on

My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune
My glass is waiting for some fresh ice-cubes
I'm just sittin' here
Waiting for you
To come on home
And turn me on
Turn me on

tired

final submission, final crit... all over.... portfolio submission, tmr....

here once again is the week of mugging for exams... desperate latenight mugging to catch up on all the stuff we've neglected all semester.. all the lectures skipped, tutorials dazed/stoned in....

and yet. i can't seem to find the discipline to start mugging. i feel so restless all of a sudden.. like there's so much i can do but i don't know where to begin... almost like i've been repressed all semester but now i'm set free... cliched i know.. but it's just.. the way i feel...... especially with the korean exchange pending.... i might be away from july to dec.... i suddenly feel like there are a million things i need to do before i leave... when i'll be so far away for 5months...

i guess it's similar to being told how much longer i have to live.. just..in a slightly less... fatal manner...

so.

who's up for kbox? any day, any time. just message me.
who's up for drinks? there are far too many places that have opened up for far too long without my having been there to try out.. :p
who's up for ikea shopping? :) i've a room to do up... after i clear it up...
who's up for settler's??? i desperately wanna play games there somehow.. heh...

*sigh*

ooh! need to tan too... and start exercising.... and have a short holiday.... AND catch a million movies.. was badly deprived of them the entire semester somehow.....

i seem to have lots to do this holiday then... hope i get them all done.. :)

problems

I've come to realise something about myself, in reflection of the past few years of my life...

that i always seem to create problems for myself.

whether in relationships or work... it always seems the case.. that i almost fabricate my own problems.. not that there weren't/aren't any there in the first place. just that my paranoia seems to always get the better of me...

it's like... a tiny grey spot on a blank white canvas that i get a glimpse of and try to erase with those cheap erasers and end up spreading the grey, smudging and wearing and tearing till there's a great big hole...... that's me... or at least. that's me the last few years.... with every new project or relationship i enter into.....

every little thing said and done... or NOT said, NOT done... i pick it all up like some sponge.... whether i like it or not.. most of the time not... and they play on loop in my head... like some broken video... such that even when it was a slip, a mistake, or just nothing significant, it becomes to me something SO significant... that i think it means something.. that something important was implied by it.. or by the absence of it.

it's tiring.

to always think..... to always have your mind playing tricks on you... to constantly be on your toes in case what your mind's telling you isn't just paranoia but a working selfdefence mechanism....

i wanna be able to trust people wholeheartedly. to not doubt what's said or done.... but my mind just seems to keep going wild.....

im trying...... i really am... but some things just keep plaguing me... i wish sisters and mothers weren't always right about stuff.....