problems

I've come to realise something about myself, in reflection of the past few years of my life...

that i always seem to create problems for myself.

whether in relationships or work... it always seems the case.. that i almost fabricate my own problems.. not that there weren't/aren't any there in the first place. just that my paranoia seems to always get the better of me...

it's like... a tiny grey spot on a blank white canvas that i get a glimpse of and try to erase with those cheap erasers and end up spreading the grey, smudging and wearing and tearing till there's a great big hole...... that's me... or at least. that's me the last few years.... with every new project or relationship i enter into.....

every little thing said and done... or NOT said, NOT done... i pick it all up like some sponge.... whether i like it or not.. most of the time not... and they play on loop in my head... like some broken video... such that even when it was a slip, a mistake, or just nothing significant, it becomes to me something SO significant... that i think it means something.. that something important was implied by it.. or by the absence of it.

it's tiring.

to always think..... to always have your mind playing tricks on you... to constantly be on your toes in case what your mind's telling you isn't just paranoia but a working selfdefence mechanism....

i wanna be able to trust people wholeheartedly. to not doubt what's said or done.... but my mind just seems to keep going wild.....

im trying...... i really am... but some things just keep plaguing me... i wish sisters and mothers weren't always right about stuff.....